OK, so I'm hardly prolific

Still. That having been said, I have dusted off some writing projects with a view to putting them out there soon, which is nice. During these hard-drive excavations, I have unearthed many gems that cannot be easily understood.

Below are a selection for your enjoyment. I have absolutely no recollection of any of these:


December 21st 1995

I am delighted to announce that I have written what I consider to be the finest arrangement of words in the English language ever committed to paper. Already those to whom I have spoken about my novel "Horrordwarf Returns" have nothing but praise. Brian from the fish shop told me that it was without doubt 'the best killer dwarf novel he had read this year. The third best he had read in his lifetime'. Praise indeed from the silent one.

---

I recognised the face as old Mrs Edmonds from number 63. She had been here for a long time. Her nails had grown long. The smell was appalling. Suddenly her head jerked up and her eyes were alight. She looked at me.

"Tell her those scones were lovely."

Suddenly the door slammed shut.

---
Several other postulations followed, including the construction of a machine that would bore to the earth's core. He had seen it done before in a documentary presented by Doug McClure.

The main purpose of such a mission was not to discover strange new life or confused dinosaurs, but to see just what happens when the opposing forces of gravity meet. He envisaged 2 equally implausible scenarios. In one he would be absorbed into Earth's fiery core. In another he would be torn to pieces by the violently opposing gravitational forces of the two hemispheres. More research would be needed here.

He commissioned Warlock Smedley, Earth's best scientist, to oversee the mission and pilot the test mission.

Extracts from his diary are presented below:

Day 1:
I have met a genuinely interesting chap. His interest in delving beneath the dark underbelly of our world and seeking out new civilisations is remarkable. I look forward to bringing him news of my success upon my return.

Day 4: We have penetrated the outer strata and have begun to change our angle. The rest of the journey will be frought with danger. I have heard reports of mutated pig people, and giant killer birds. I have prepared the appropriate spray cans for such an eventuality.

Day 6: I wish I had fitted the unit with the appropriate ventilation facilities.

Drilling

1am in Helsinki. This is not an appropriate time for the man next door to start drilling. I shall comfort myself by imagining screams.

Finland, lovely Finland

Oh Finland

The man in Room 303 speaks.....

I'm staying in the Best Western Hotel Hotel Katajanokka which, until fairly recently, was a prison.


All of the rooms are converted cells and they have retained the original doors, which are monstrously heavy and open outwards.

My landing has a church which doubles as a function suite.

Below: view from my landing

It's as suitably gothic and splendid a location as one can imagine, and it's nearly 11pm and it hasn't gone dark. To the best of the knowledge, they don't have 'night' here. Just an extended dusk.

Will keep you posted.



G

This Whole Digital Book Thingy

Not sure what you think, but I find this whole electronic reader thing a bit disturbing. Not because of the fact that you have access to a whole library of text at your disposal, or indeed because reading from a screen sounds horrid, and certainly not because of the current storm brewing between Google and the literary world.

Rather that there's something wonderful about having a physical book. It's highly unlikely that you're going to get mugged for having a paperback that you got for a quid from a charity shop, but with a device that's going to retail for £195 that you're going to sit on a train with, holding it in your hands, you're opening up a whole new avenue of despair:

1. The obvious thievery opportunities (which, if it happens to some people might put them off reading altogether)

2. Unless I'm missing something here, these devices have batteries, which might/could run out. Books, to the best of my current knowledge, don't run out of charge.

3. Finally, unless they've really thought it through, these new devices just won't smell right.


I need a cup of tea.