OK, so I'm hardly prolific

Still. That having been said, I have dusted off some writing projects with a view to putting them out there soon, which is nice. During these hard-drive excavations, I have unearthed many gems that cannot be easily understood.

Below are a selection for your enjoyment. I have absolutely no recollection of any of these:


December 21st 1995

I am delighted to announce that I have written what I consider to be the finest arrangement of words in the English language ever committed to paper. Already those to whom I have spoken about my novel "Horrordwarf Returns" have nothing but praise. Brian from the fish shop told me that it was without doubt 'the best killer dwarf novel he had read this year. The third best he had read in his lifetime'. Praise indeed from the silent one.

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I recognised the face as old Mrs Edmonds from number 63. She had been here for a long time. Her nails had grown long. The smell was appalling. Suddenly her head jerked up and her eyes were alight. She looked at me.

"Tell her those scones were lovely."

Suddenly the door slammed shut.

---
Several other postulations followed, including the construction of a machine that would bore to the earth's core. He had seen it done before in a documentary presented by Doug McClure.

The main purpose of such a mission was not to discover strange new life or confused dinosaurs, but to see just what happens when the opposing forces of gravity meet. He envisaged 2 equally implausible scenarios. In one he would be absorbed into Earth's fiery core. In another he would be torn to pieces by the violently opposing gravitational forces of the two hemispheres. More research would be needed here.

He commissioned Warlock Smedley, Earth's best scientist, to oversee the mission and pilot the test mission.

Extracts from his diary are presented below:

Day 1:
I have met a genuinely interesting chap. His interest in delving beneath the dark underbelly of our world and seeking out new civilisations is remarkable. I look forward to bringing him news of my success upon my return.

Day 4: We have penetrated the outer strata and have begun to change our angle. The rest of the journey will be frought with danger. I have heard reports of mutated pig people, and giant killer birds. I have prepared the appropriate spray cans for such an eventuality.

Day 6: I wish I had fitted the unit with the appropriate ventilation facilities.